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Procter & Gamble Introduces Home Menstruation Test |
New Michael Landon Biography Resolves Many Unasked Questions |
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Clock In Basement Still One Hour Ahead |
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Orphan Can't Take A Joke |
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News In Brief
Confused Marines Capture Al-Jazeera Leader
DOHA, QATAR— In a daring effort to dismantle the vast Arab network, a company of
confused Marines raided Al-Jazeera headquarters Monday and captured leader Mohammed
Abouzeid. "Al-Jazeera has ties to virtually every country in the Arab world, and this
guy was the key to their whole operation," Lt. Warren Withers said. "Nothing
went through the Al-Jazeera communications array without his go-ahead." Pentagon
officials praised the soldiers for their "courageous and swift action," but
noted they would have preferred that the Marines captured someone hostile to the U.S.
instead.
Enron Executives Blamed For Missing Employee Donut Fund
HOUSTON— The Enron Corp. scandal widened Monday, when The Houston Chronicle
reported that top company executives stole nearly $10 from the employee donut fund
sometime between June and August of last year. "There should be at least $9.25 in the
coffee can next to the filters," said Laurie Baker, a recently laid-off Enron
employee. "I personally put $2.50 into that fund, and now it's gone." Enron CEO
Kenneth Lay is already under grand-jury subpoena regarding $45 in Chinese-food-delivery
allocations that mysteriously vanished on Nov. 17, 2001.
Consumer Reports Rates Self 'Excellent'
NEW YORK—Consumer Reports magazine earned a rating of "excellent" in its
special "Consumer Advocacy Magazines" issue, which hit newsstands Tuesday. "From our
exhaustive, unbiased appraisals of all types of consumer products to our clear, concise
writing style, Consumer Reports is once again the undisputed winner," the
article read. "For the latest in consumer information and product-safety recalls,
look no further than us."
Receptionist Takes Leave Of Absence Citing Dehydration, Exhaustion
QUINCY, IL— Citing "dehydration and exhaustion," a spokesperson for Andrea Conklin
announced Monday that the Quincy dental receptionist will take an extended leave of
absence. "The stress and strain of answering Dr. Taubman's phones all day long has finally
taken its toll on Ms. Conklin," spokesman Chris Vinocur said. "Andrea is now in the care
of her personal physician, who has recommended that she take two months off to regain her
strength." Vinocur denied rumors in last week's National Enquirer that Conklin had
checked into a drug-rehabilitation facility.
Howie Long Expresses Desire To Direct Radio Shack Spots
LOS ANGELES— Pondering his next career move, Radio Shack pitchman and former NFL
defensive end Howie Long told reporters Monday that he is interested in directing an
upcoming installment of the series of commercials in which he playfully endorses high-tech
gadgets with actress Teri Hatcher. "I've given it a lot of thought, and I think I'm
ready to get behind the camera," Long said. "I've done the acting thing for a
while now, and I just feel like it's time for a new challenge." Long said he could
bring the kind of experience and insight to directing the commercials that only comes from
having spent countless hours on the set.
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Top Story
Developmentally Disabled Senator Wants To Be Treated Like Any Other Lawmaker
WASHINGTON, DC— When he was elected to the U.S. Senate in November 2000, Sen. Freddy
Rigby (D-NE) knew he had a tough road ahead of him. Developmentally disabled since birth,
Rigby's controversial election provoked reactions ranging from misty-eyed admiration to
outrage. But to supporters and detractors alike, this very special senator makes one
simple request: to be treated just like any other lawmaker.
Full Text »
In The News
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Weekend With Boyfriend's Parents Explains A Lot
Peace Activist Has To Admit Barrett .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle Is Pretty Cool
Editorial
Homeless People Shouldn't Make You Feel Sad Like That
Who Do I Have To Blow To Win The Bancroft Prize In American History?
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A look at the numbers that shape your world.
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